This is not the end
by EC
Summary: When Darcy said Let's go and put her hand in Loki's she wasn't exactly thinking about the logistics of escaping the destruction. Sequel to And the heart is hard to translate.


When Darcy said _Let's go_ and put her hand in Loki's she wasn't exactly thinking about the logistics of escaping the destruction of Earth and destroying the portal when said portal was needed for said escape. But apparently logical thought is one of the many things that gets shoved aside in situations like this, and she doesn't exactly have much (or any) of a basis of comparison. Sure, she's technically died three times which gives her a pretty good appreciation for how bad shit is, but the apocalypse (or whatever the current buzzword of the day is - but not Ragnarok, because Loki is actually innocent of any participation) sorta trumps dying three times. She hasn't been keeping track of the death toll lately, and it changes every day from source to source. But it's bad. Like, really bad. The exact number escapes her at the moment as she's, you know, getting ready to escape through a portal and never come back again. But she knows it's big.

Nuclear weapons are a pretty good guarantee of that number reaching epic proportions, though.

So, okay, maybe she is being a little selfish in choosing to go with Loki. But can you really blame her? It's a basic human instinct, this need to survive. And while she's done an okay job of it so far (you know, aside from getting kidnapped twice and dying three times - which is still so not her fault) she's not too optimistic on how she'd manage in a post-apocalyptic world. Especially with so many of her friends (who happen to be superheros) missing or dead.

Thankfully Loki is thinking five steps ahead (he's always been like that, which is both awesome and annoying) and goes into a very brief yet still somehow amazingly in depth explanation about the _other means_ of traveling to Asgard.

Also, he has explosives.

She must be channelling Coulson because she feels like diving into a lecture about the practicality of explosives in a confined space, but he's setting the charges on the portal before she can get anything out. Besides, she tells herself, anybody left behind in Stark Tower is down in the bomb shelter by now (because of course Stark Tower has a state of the art bomb shelter) so it's just her and Loki and the portal machine. Which is about to become just a pile of flaming nothing and she almost wishes they can stick around long enough to watch the destruction because explosions are _cool_.

Loki rains on her parade by pulling her tightly against his chest giving her a face full of leather and tells her to hold on tightly. It's now that she wishes she would have asked for a little more info on the _other means_ of traveling.

And then she can't even think, or breathe, or move or anything else because there's a sort of loud _whoosh!_ all around her and it feels like she's compacting in on herself and it's the most awful and terrifying feeling ever and how the hell does Loki stand doing this all the time?

It's over almost as fast as it began and if it wasn't for her practically clinging onto Loki she totally would have faceplanted. As it is, she's feeling pretty dizzy and just a tad too nauseous for her liking and how bad of an impression would it be to puke the second she's in Asgard? She's still a little uncertain (and unclear) about how much the Asgardians, specifically Loki's family and friends, know about her. But she's pretty sure that blowing chunks all over the bifrost is the last thing one wants to do when arriving from another dimension.

But as her vision clears and the awful spinning feeling subsides she gets her first look at the splendor (yes, she really means that word) of Asgard and she feels a little better. Jane rushing up to hug her three seconds later helps, and then Sif is there too and it turns into a sort of group hug. And in these first few moments of being here she allows herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, things won't be so bad.

When she meets Odin she has to resist the temptation to yell at him for being such a shitty dad because, well, he's basically the only reason why she's still alive. And apparently the Old Man (literally) is in an exceptionally giving mood, because not only has he allowed Jane and Darcy to stay indefinitely, he's also seeing to that whole indefinite part. Whenever they're ready, she and Jane can partake of the Super Apples of Immortality (her words). Normally any mortal wanting to eat the Supper Apples of Immortality have to face some sort of epic trial, but Jane has proven herself through her knowledge of the Bifrost. And Darcy has proven herself by surviving many trials, which she totally lumps dating Loki into. Odin must agree because he says some line about bringing his son back, and then they all get a little weepy.

Frigga is just as kind and sweet as she's imagined and when the woman hugs her she almost turns into a complete and utter weepy mess because the embrace is so warm and soft and welcoming and her mind instantly goes to her mom and if she's still okay. Because her mom gave the best hugs _ever_, but Frigga's come in a close second so she's pretty sure that she'll be okay as long as she can get one whenever she needs one. Or when she doesn't, which she's pretty sure Frigga knows about, because it's totally a mom thing.

She's also struck with the random thought of wondering if Frigga bakes. Somehow she just can't picture the ethereal woman in a kitchen, flour all over her face and elbow deep in pie crust dough.

And before things get too awful and weepy, she quickly shoves all thoughts of hugs and homemade apple pie aside. There's other people to meet, like Heimdall and various other members of court. She's not sure if she'll be able to remember all the names, let alone keep them all straight. But she smiles and nods and does her best to look like she hasn't just flown through an interdimensional portal before her world was destroyed.

It's a stretch, but she thinks she's doing an okay job so far. There haven't been any weird looks or long stares yet, at any rate.

After the important introductions are over, Loki takes her on a tour of the palace. There's literally a room for just about anything one would need or want and it reminds her of a sort of medieval Stark Tower. The tour ends with her room, which brings up some confusion on her part and an equal amount of awkwardness on Loki's part. He manages to get out that he didn't want to presume anything or make her feel any sense of obligation and something else about wanting to make her transition as easy as possible.

She shuts him up by kissing him.

It's the first kiss they've shared since their fight and she pours every single ounce of emotion she's feeling into it – all the hurt and fear and desperation and despair and anger – and her hands frantically tug and pull at fastenings (seriously, how many fastenings does an outfit need?) as his practically rip at her clothes. They tumble to the bed in a heap of tangled limbs and fuck (because this is _fucking_, not sex or making love) at a frantic pace. When it's done he holds her tightly against him and she feels the pull of exhaustion taking over.

Darcy won't have another night of sleep like that for a long while.

It should really come as no surprise that after all the glitz and shiny newness of Asgard wears off that Darcy quickly spirals into a very deep, dark and twisty place. The proper word for it, she knows, is survivor's guilt. But the part of her brain that stores this is quickly vetoed by the part of her brain that's only focusing on the fact that she chose to come here.

Yes, she's grateful to be alive and yaddah yaddah yaddah...but at what cost? And how is it at all fair that she's up here living the good life while everyone else is either dead or scrambling to survive?

That little slice of awesome (not) creeps up on her right around day three and by day five it's all she can think about.

If Loki notices anything he doesn't mention it, but he does do his best to get her out of her room (she insists on staying there despite him making it clear that she's welcome to come to his chambers) and keep her busy. He takes her to to various banquets, piling her plate full of amazing and exotic foods and makes sure to include her as much as possible in the conversations.

But the food tastes like ash in her mouth for the first few days (weeks), the smiles don't quite reach her eyes, and she only catches about a fourth of what's being said.

Even sleep has lost its appeal, which is a shame because her bed really is the most amazing bed ever. But when she sleeps she dreams, and her dreams are nothing but horrible images of friends and loved ones and she always wakes up with the sheets twisted around her legs and her heart pounding in her chest. So she does her best to stay awake as long as possible until she passes out from sheer exhaustion, or she drinks entirely too much mead and passes out from that. She knows it's not exactly the healthiest habit to develop, but by the end of the first month she stops caring.

Darcy's learned by now that when it comes to Loki, you never take anything for granted. Like, for instance, how observant he is. How he has that (sometimes annoying or creepy or annoyingly creepy) way of always knowing what's going on, even if he's not reading your mind. Which he does, often, but he at least tells her now. Or he makes it obvious. But anyways, the point is that after a month of moping, and another month of drunken stupor, and then another month of a mix of moping and drunkenness (which is not the greatest combo) it's painfully clear that Loki knows that all is not well in Darcy land. And she knows that he knows. And he knows that she knows that he knows. But neither say or do anything about it, because, hey, relationships are complicated and they're still in the process of figuring out all the kinks of theirs.

It doesn't help that she's practically (almost always) going out of her way to avoid him now. Or Jane, or Thor, or Frigga, or, really, anybody else. She's not exactly the greatest company anyways, and Jane is far too well adjusted to their new life in Asgard for Darcy to tolerate spending much time around her friend. Thor is just oblivious as ever, and Frigga is, well, she's not sure about Frigga. But she is pretty certain that if Frigga says something kind or even attempts to embrace her that she'll crumble apart into a million pieces.

Avoiding Jane (and by extension, Thor) is fairly easy. Almost too easy. But Jane is always off somewhere, studying things or exploring things or generally doing what one does while living in the Realm Eternal. Darcy always manages to avoid the invitations to do said things. Or she makes up an excuse (they're not even good anymore). Jane just gets that sad little smile on her face and goes off without saying anything, because, well, astrophysicists have never been known for their psychological skills.

Most of all, she avoids Heimdall. She knows he can see everything and it would be easy enough to ask for an update, but she doesn't want that (she does). She doesn't want to know who's dead and who's alive (she does) and she certainly doesn't want to know how many aliens those nukes took out (this she wants to know more than anything).

Loki, on the other hand, is harder to avoid because he's _Loki_. He's everywhere, all the time, and if he's not it's one of his doubles. Which is, even after getting somewhat used to it, still unsettling (if not a little cool). And they're together, or whatever, so it's almost expected that they be seen together. So she still goes along with him to the dinners and balls and what have you, but each one is harder to get through and eventually he just stops trying. Excuses and apologies are made (she's a bit _under the weather_). Healers are even brought in, to keep up with appearances. But there's really no physical injuries for them to heal and she's pretty sure that Asgardian healers don't come armed with heavy antidepressants.

Her relationship with Loki is surprisingly (and frighteningly) easy to watch unravel. It's like she's an outside observer, watching as each strand frays on its end. The sex is the first to go, which, honestly, actually sucks quite a bit because it was pretty damn good. But it's the least appealing thing to her, and she's probably not doing herself any favors with such poor personal hygiene habits. During that second month he just gives up on even suggesting that she sleep in his chambers and by the end of the third he barely even touches her when they do see each other. Which is less and less now, because she's either sleeping (passed out) or pretending to sleep.

She's never been a good liar, or a good faker. Loki knows (always knows) that she's awake.

He leaves anyways.

Somewhere, deep down inside and beyond the hurt and the despair and the barely controlled rage, there's a part of her that knows she should be hurt by this. By the slowly approaching end to their relationship. But it's so far away and so hard to get to that she just can't seem to find the emotions she know she should be feeling. She even starts to wonder (think, dream, _hope_) that by ending her relationship with Loki, and thus the main reason why she's even in Asgard in the first place, that Odin will order her back to Earth.

What scares her the most about that particular line of thought is that she's not scared at all. In fact, she doesn't really feel anything about it.

She doesn't feel much at all these days.

But the desire is there, the almost overwhelming need to return to Earth. To be with friends (whoever's still left) and fight side by side with them. Because it's not fair that she's here while they suffer. It's not fair that she sleeps (not really) in a warm bed while they can't. It's not fair that she has the finest foods (that still taste like ash) available while they scrounge for their meals. And it's certainly not fair that she lives while they die.

So she picks a fight with Loki, hoping to end things once and for all.

Well, she _tries_ to pick a fight with Loki. And fails miserably. Oh, she screams, and rages, and says some pretty awful and hurtful things. But Loki, well, Loki just sits there and takes it all in. He doesn't say anything, doesn't move and for a few moments she wonders if it's actually him and not one of his doubles. So she does the logical thing and hits him. It's not much, just a quick punch to the shoulder that actually hurts her hand more than it hurts him (stupid leather armor). The punch both satisfies her need to lash out, and confirms that this is, in fact, the real Loki.

Even violence doesn't spur him on.

He continues to sit there well after she's run out of things to hurl at him. Then, finally, after an excruciating stretch of silence he stands. He tells her that when she's ready to talk like an adult she knows where to find him, then he walks away.

She's not sure if she should laugh, scream, or cry.

Instead she runs.

Runs past the confused looking guards and members of the court, past the doors of the palace and out to the (still destroyed) Rainbow Bridge. She stops a safe distance away from Heimdall (does he ever get bored of just standing at the end of the broken Bifrost?), her toes ghosting over the edge as she stares down at the water and the vast emptiness beyond. It would be so, so easy to jump. To lean forward and fall down into the abyss.

But can she?

She doesn't know.

After minutes (almost an hour) of staring she sits down, legs dangling over the edge, still not certain of what she wants to do. She does, however, know that she's not ready to go back to the palace. To the too kind eyes and the looks of concern and the whispers.

After a while she feels the presence of another approaching. It's not Loki (she's developed a sort of sixth sense for him) and not Jane (she's always had a sixth sense for the scientist) which only leaves a few possibilities. They're quiet, whoever it is, and light on their feet. She doesn't turn around to see who it is, or say anything to acknowledge them even as the mystery guest takes a seat next to her.

Their identity is quickly revealed as she's pulled into warm and soft arms and she starts crying the second her face hits Frigga's chest. She cries for her friends - for Tony and Clint and Coulson and Steve and Natasha and Bruce and Pepper and the rest. She cries for the people of the world, for nameless faces and families and children and grandparents. She cries for New York, for the city she came to love so much after such a little time. She cries for Puente Antiguo, for the tiny little town that was her home for a year. She cries because she can't seem to do anything else.

It's not pretty or dignified and she's pretty sure she's ruining whatever silken garment Frigga is wearing, but the woman says nothing. She just holds Darcy tight and strokes her hair and whispers soothing words in a language she can't understand.

The tears eventually dry up and the shaking dies down, but Frigga's not letting go. Not until she knows Darcy is ready, which is another one of those mom things.

Not long after the end of her tears they're joined by another. And (thanks to that sixth sense) she knows it's Loki. He, too, says nothing as he sits down on the other side of her. There's a whole unspoken conversation between him and Frigga and then, in a seamless move, she's handed off to Loki.

His embrace is different - leather instead of silk - but it's just as warm and comforting and safe and it feels like home.

Loki stays quiet and when she tries to choke out a fairly pathetic apology he just shushes her and holds her tighter, saying there's plenty of time to talk later. Which she's pretty grateful for, honestly, because at the moment all she wants to do is sleep. And she either says this, or Loki's reading her mind, because he picks her up and in a blink they're in his room (not hers, he didn't even ask).

It's the first time she's seen his room, but she supposes the more accurate word is _chamber_. It's much bigger than her's, of course, because he is one of the Princes of Asgard. There's an entire wall covered by books that just scream ancient, a massive fireplace and the bed puts her's to shame. It's more comfortable too (totally unfair) and she says as much as he sets her down on it. The comment actually earns a slight smirk from Loki and she feels the first glimmer of hope in weeks.

She humors him as she lets him undress her. There's nothing sexual or even romantic about it; it's simply practical but still feels pretty comforting and caring. He helps her into one of her night garments (which has magically - literally she knows - found its way to his room) before tucking her in. She gets comfortable and once she's settled he leans in to press a kiss to her temple. He whispers something too - words she can't quite hear or understand - but it must be some sort of magic because moments later she feels the pull of slumber taking over.

Getting better, she soon discovers, requires baby steps.

Like, teeny tiny baby steps.

After sleeping for what turns out to be almost a whole day she feels better. Miles better, leaps and bounds better, but somewhere in the back of her head she knows it's just the high of getting a proper night's (day's) sleep and a false sense of recovery. Loki knows this too, because when she asks about going to the main dining hall he responds by bringing her a tray of food. It's light fare - soup and bread and some fruit - but she devours it like a starving woman. And, hey, wouldn't you know - it tastes _amazing_. She wants more, but Loki tells her it's not prudent to push things (his words) which almost starts a fight because she's hungry, dammit. So she makes some sly comment about wanting a cheeseburger, which just earns her one of his looks.

She also asks where he slept last night, which earns another look.

Loki magicks the food tray away, but keeps a glass of water next to the bed before he ushers her to lie down again. She pouts - actually pouts - at him because the last thing she wants to do is sleep again. This just earns yet another look, his patented _I'm not having any of your shit_ look, which quiets her pretty quickly because, damn, that look always works. She does, however, manage to sneak in her own look just before she feels the pull of magic once again.

When she wakes up again she almost feels worse, like she hasn't slept for weeks. Which is the truth, really, and she immediately wants to sleep again. Loki's there (always there) in a chair near the bed. He sets aside his book and waves his hands and a tray of the same meal as before appears. This time she only picks at it, which earns a look, so she plays the role of the good girl and swallows it all down. There's no arguing on her part this time when he goes to get her back to sleep.

It takes a week of this - of magic induced sleep and light meals before she starts to feel somewhat human again. After the seventh night she ventures out of Loki's chambers at his urging to get some fresh air. Jane finds her in about thirty seconds and instead of hounding her with questions she just hugs her, and dammit she's done enough crying. But they both turn into weepy messes, then Darcy cracks a joke about Clint turning into some post-apocalyptic Robin Hood. It breaks the awful mood and they start laughing until it hurts. Now would be one of those times for their traditional ice cream, booze and movie nights. But she's had enough of the alcohol here for a long time, and she's pretty sure that they don't have movies here.

But there is ice cream.

It's not quite the same as what they're used to, but they steal a huge bowl of it out of the kitchen anyways. They find an empty room and hunker down in front of the fire for lack of a movie. And then they talk. Jane starts by dropping a huge piece of news on her.

Thor proposed.

It's really not a surprise. The two are perfect for eachother, the whole star crossed lovers thing working quite well, so a proposal was only a matter of time.

Jane apologizes for not telling her sooner, which only makes her apologize for being such a shitty friend for the past few weeks, which then makes Jane apologize for being a shitty friend too.

There may be some more tears then.

Eventually they switch topics to lighter things as they devour the ice cream until the bowl is empty. It's around then that Thor appears. His face softens at seeing Darcy again, and he bows and says something so very Thor-like about how nice it is to see her doing well again. And then he (almost literally) whisks Jane away after getting out a brief apology about needing her for an urgent matter.

Darcy rolls her eyes, because she has a pretty good idea about what that urgent matter is.

She's not alone for long as Loki appears a few moments later. He too is rolling his eyes, and when she spots him doing such an undignified thing she can't help but laugh at him. The laughter is infectious, and they both spend the next few minutes with their bellies shaking as it takes over.

It feels good to be so... light. So unburdened.

Loki's found his way to the ground next to her, and she immediately seeks out his nearness without putting much thought into the action. It surprises them both, because she wasn't expecting things to be so easy so soon, and he probably wasn't expecting her to want to be so close to him for a while. Maybe not ever again, not after the horrible things she said.

But he wraps his arm around her anyway, and she rests her head on him.

There's a long, comfortable silence after that.

Then she breaks that silence by getting out a (much better) apology. Her words don't stop there as she let's it all out. How she feels about leaving everyone, how she wanted things to end so Odin would send her back. How she feels like an idiot for even thinking like that in the first place. Because, yes, she is grateful that he saved her and that she's alive. It's just hard to feel like that all the time.

Loki nods as she speaks, and when she's finally done he lets her know that he understands. Maybe not entirely, or exactly how she feels, but he knows how difficult it is and just wants to be there for her.

Things are threatening to get a little too serious then, so she makes some off comment about Jane and Thor which earns a shudder from Loki and another roll of his eyes.

Score one for Darcy.

He rises to his feet in a graceful move that totally makes her jealous, and holds out his hand to help her up. She smiles at him, the first time she's done as such in a while. Then surprises him (and herself) by kissing him.

It's a soft, quick kiss. But a kiss all the same, and their first in far too long.

He smiles too.

They walk back to his chambers, hand in hand and that night she falls asleep in his arms without the aid of magic.

After another week of baby steps, Darcy's finally starting to return to feeling normal.

Or, as normal as one got when you were living on another realm amongst gods and other immortals.

She tries not to think about the details too much, because that's only inviting a quick downward spiral back into unhappy places. So she seeks out Heimdall instead.

The guardian is not at all surprised to see her and she's pretty sure that she catches the ghost of smile gracing the stoic face. He doesn't say anything about how long she's been avoiding him, avoiding this, and doesn't even ask her what she wants to know. Because he's Heimdall, and he already knows.

She braces herself for the report.

It's not pretty at first. The death toll is much higher than she had thought it would be. But the good news is that there are more humans than aliens now. Tiny pockets of resistance cells have sprung up. And, seriously, Clint is leading the one for the eastern seaboard. This brings a grin to her face as she pictures him, bow in hand, fighting off the remnants of those damn aliens.

The news isn't all happy though.

Tony and Steve are dead. They died fighting one of the leaders and went out in an appropriately epic (her word) manner. Natasha died too, as did Pepper. She's crying as she hears this, but in a way it helps. Bruce survived, but went off to India to help lead the resistance there. Coulson's still around too, helping Clint manage the east coast. Erik made it out, too, and found his way back to his family.

She doesn't ask about her parents. She can't. And Heimdall doesn't mention them either, which helps.

Darcy leaves feeling not totally better, but somewhat better. Peaceful isn't quite the right word, but she does feel a whole lot less mopy about things. And the first person she tells about Clint, seriously, leading the resistance is Jane. They both grin and laugh, which helps her get through the rest of the updates. Jane is appropriately saddened by the deaths, but her mood lifts when she mentions Erik being alive still.

Late that night she slips out of Loki's embrace and returns to Heimdall to ask about her parents.

They're alive.

The news fills her with so much hope, something she's not felt in a long while. Because, thank you, the Lewis clan kicks some serious ass.

When she crawls back into bed Loki doesn't even ask where she's been. He just pulls her back down into his arms and they both drift off.

Jane and Thor get married on a Thursday. Obviously.

The marriage of Thor Odinson to Jane Foster is a pretty big deal. All of Asgard is there, along with dignitaries from some of the other realms. It was quite the thing to witness. Even more so when Jane and Thor were escorted by torch light to Thor's chambers. Jane blushes the entire time, and Darcy feels a little sorry for her friend having to adapt to cultural differences so quickly.

But the awkwardness is soon forgotten the next day as the feast continues.

For an entire week. Seriously. Apparently a feast lasting less than three days was considered paltry. So it's a week of food and dancing and drinking and general merriment. On the final night of the feast Jane eats her first Super Apple of Immortality. Darcy stares at it; it doesn't seem to be anything special, save for being gold and Jane doesn't like, turn gold herself or anything as she eats it.

Loki catches her eying the apple, but doesn't say anything.

Later that night, they make love.

Like, the exact opposite of fucking. It's sweet and tender and slow and feels _so damn good_.

The next day all of her items are moved to his chambers.

So it's been a year now of this. Of living in a new realm and getting constant updates on Earth and adjusting to it all.

Adjusting is a good word.

She still has her moments, moments where the despair and the guilt take a hold of her heart and stomach and she feels like such an awful person. But she's always pulled out of those moments by Loki. Or Frigga. Or Jane, or Sif, or Thor. Because Darcy still has friends that care about her, even if she sometimes feels like she doesn't deserve them.

Things with Loki are still good, too. She sleeps better than she can ever remember when she's with him, and they crack jokes and give each other meaningful looks from across the dinner table and dance all night at gatherings. He hasn't popped the question yet, and part of her's not sure if she wants him too. Because this thing they have, whatever it is, is good and maybe making it official or giving a name to it would make it somehow less special.

Besides, she's having too much fun just being Darcy and Loki and not _Darcy and Loki_ like Jane and Thor are now _Jane and Thor_. And speaking of them, the two are now three and soon to be four. Astrid is super adorable and cute and perfect and everything else that a baby should be. (Also older than their marriage, but nobody seems to be saying anything about that). And Darcy is a totally rocking aunt and has way too much fun spoiling her.

She's leaving Jane and Thor's from another afternoon of playing Astrid when one of the palace guards informs her that Loki wishes to see her in their (their, not his now) chambers. She worries at first, because Loki's never used a guard to express his wishes to see her. So she rushes there, breathless as she enters and ready to demand an explanation from him.

But nothing is amiss.

Well, minus Loki sitting like a prince in his favorite chair, a golden apple in his hand.

And if this isn't a proposal, she's not sure what is.

She eyes him, then the apple, then him, then the apple again for a good long while. But she doesn't say anything, even as she closes the distance between them to take it from his hand.

"Are you certain?"

Darcy answers him by closing her eyes and taking a bite.


End file.
